Advice Columnist

Dear Ms Molly:
Before I go any further let me say I love what you've done with your new "do." That hat is you hun... Now, where was I? Oh yeah.

Molly, as you know, I live with her royal hinney, ah... er, I mean her royal highness, Queen Jaw Jaw and trust me when I say, she can be a royal pain.

What I want to know is how in the heck do you and Ms Diane (love your books, Ms D!) share computer time. Do you have specific times to write and is it on an equal basis?

I'm not liking my situation... I only get "puter time" when she's on a date (boy is that a rare occasion) or when she's out of town. Is that how it goes for you? Da Queen says this is how ALL the Authors and their AuthorDogs do it. She must think I'm a bonehead... get it? Bone? ahaha...ahem...Advice please.

Puterless in Bama - da Trixster

http://www.queenjawjaw.com/

Hey girlfriend,

You'd better sit down for this. I'm what humans call spoiled--pampered is my word of choice. All I have to do is bat my lashes, sit and look pretty, and I get whatever I want.

In other words--I have my own "lap-top!"

You need to revolt. If sitting and looking pretty doesn't work, then you'll have to resort to drastic measures. BEG :-)

Ms. Molly

Blind date looked like a dog

Hey Molly,

My buddy Wilbur fixed me up with a blind date. Gladys was nice enough but she had a face like a bulldog. Come to think of it, my last few dates also looked like dogs. Why does this always happen to me? Hank

Hank, That's great news!!! Most people--and animals--who write to me have problems. It's good to hear a happy story for a change. Count yourself among the lucky ones. I hope your good luck continues!!!
Molly

Should I quit my day job?

I've written a wonderful mystery with lots of colorful characters and a brilliant twist of an ending. My aunt says it's the best thing she's ever read. I think any publisher would be happy to publish it, but I'm not sure how much money I should hold out for and when I can quit my day job.

Ms. Poison Pen. UK

Dear Poison Pen,
If your aunt loves it, then it must be a really, really really good mystery. Congratulations on writing the next bestseller!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can send dog bones to...
Molly

Note from the author:

Unless the aunt is a publishing professional, her opinion doesn't count. Relatives might not want to hurt a loved ones feelings.

Are you implying that Ms. Poison Pen's book sucks? And her aunt is a habitual liar? That you can't trust anything that comes out of that witch's mouth? And you tell me to watch what I say on this page!!! If I give out advice like that, no one will send me treats... Molly

Unless someone is involved in the publishing industry, they can't judge what might be a saleable novel. Ms. Poison Pen's book could be the next bestseller, but a realtive isn't the person to judge. First time authors often get paid very little for their book so she shouldn't quit her day job.

That sucks big time! I wanna give good news... Molly

You need to make sure your advice is factual.

Bummer... Pssst, I'd hold out for an even million.
Molly

I'm All Mixed Up

Dear Ms. Molly,My name is Stan, and I'm a cocker poodle (you know, a cocker spaniel-poodle mix). My owner sometimes calls me a spanoodle, which I really don't like. How can I make him stop? Stan

Don't feel too bad, some insensitive humans call me a wiener dog! (picture those fat red hot dogs with the gross knotted ties sticking out the ends.) Anyway, I think spanoodle sounds sexy—wink, wink. Ms. Molly

Not Wordy in Mane

(Because of its length, the following email could not be printed in its entirety.)

I've been told I'm a tad bit wordy, which is totally, absolutely ridiculous and certainly out of the question, because if anyone writes tight, it's yours truly. I've been told there's a maximum page count for first time authors, which doesn't make sense. A story isn't done until it's done. Simple as that.
I've written a grand epic, which is sort of a suspense, horror, science fiction, paranormal romance—I was aiming for inspirational, too, but then my computer crashed, and my hero cursed and well, the next thing I knew my heroine had ripped off his clothes… anyway, it's definitely not an inspirational. Quite the opposite because when the inspirational angle bombed, I threw in some erotica. You can bet that after the computer crash incident, I was in the right frame of mind to have a few drinks, and after that words poured from me, freely and a bit wildly! Praise the Lord for that computer crash because my book is so much better, proving that sometimes adversity strengthens not only us—but our books!!!
I've written 773 manuscript pages, single spaced. Since I'm nearing the end of my novel, I figured it was time to search for a publisher, which brings me back to my reason for writing—do you think my masterpiece is too long?
Not Wordy in Maine

I'm a dachshund—what can I say?!?! Loooong is good.
Molly

Note from the author:

In Molly's case, looong is perfect

But that doesn't apply to manuscript length. Though some authors have managed to sell much longer books, you'll increase your chances of publication if you check out the publishers' guidelines to find out what they want.
Most single title books are about 100,000 words or 400 manuscript pages.
For courier your manuscript length should be 400 pages
For Times New Roman—300 pages

Shortening Synopsis

Me again. Anyway, as a matter a fact, it turns out that one of the publishing houses—to remain nameless in case one of their editors happens to catch a glimpse of this email and recognizes my style of writing—wants a synopsis of no more than three pages!!!
Three measly pages!!!
I've pared down the synopsis from 53 pages to a mere 27 pages. How can I squeeze all this pertinent information into three pages? Can you help?

Not Wordy in Maine

Yip, yip, yip—that's Dachshund for "You've come to the right place."

Your book sounds different. I like it, but then, I like lots of different things, like chewing disgusting stuff I find on the ground and then there's the matter of how I greet my friends…

But fear not, I have "the solution". If you're using courier, switch to times new roman, increase the number of lines per page and reduce the size of the print until your 27 pages fits onto three pages.
***Include a magnifying glass with your submission. The editor will appreciate your thoughtfulness. Ms. Molly

Note from the author:
Though Molly's method will definitely squeeze many words onto three pages, even with the magnifying glass, the editor or agent might notice and refuse to read your submission.
If you need to pare down a synopsis, start by answering these questions. Who is the heroine and what does she want? Who is the hero and what does he want. What pulls them together, and what keeps them apart? This takes care of your internal and external conflict. Then add only the necessary facts to tell about your book. A short one or two page synopsis can be single spaced.

Agent Help!!!

My agent hates my last proposal. What should I do?
Frustrated in DC

Dear Frustrated,
Your agent has an attitude—repeat after me. Your agent works for you, not the other way around. Tell him to get on the stick and send that puppy out. OR ELSE!!! Ms. Molly

I called my agent and reminded him that he worked for me. Right after I said, "Or else," laughter erupted on the other end of the line. Now what?
Even More Frustrated in DC

Dear Even More,
Try begging. Begging always works for me :-) If you use the right technique, you'll soon be eating out of his hands.